


I've Loved You Since Forever

by KennedyAlburn



Category: Everything I Never Told You - Celeste Ng
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Asian-American Character, Canon Compliant, Coming of Age, Complete, Crying, Established Relationship, F/M, Family, Feelings, Gen, Higher Education, Introspection, Misunderstandings, One Shot, Overbearing Parents, Siblings, Written for a Class
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 23:07:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29233512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KennedyAlburn/pseuds/KennedyAlburn
Summary: Hannah Lee sat under a pile of jackets. Waiting. Always waiting. For someone to talk to her. For her siblings to notice her. For mum and dad to love her. But all of them would walk past.Then Nath was going to Harvard and her parents stopped. But Lydia started crying and what was Hannah supposed to do she was only eleven years old? She didn't know what physics was.
Relationships: Hannah Lee & Lydia Lee, Hannah Lee & Nath Lee, Marilyn Lee/James Lee





	I've Loved You Since Forever

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [After](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4540173) by [s0thathappened](https://archiveofourown.org/users/s0thathappened/pseuds/s0thathappened). 



Everyone thought Hannah was eight-years-old. 

She wore hanging pigtails that the old ladies at the park always bothered her about it. They’d pat her head, feel her shoulder, telling her she was, "Going to be a tall nine-year-old." Nevermind that she eleven-years-old, thank you very much.

But as a eight-year-old going on eleven, Hannah was small enough to fit under tables and inside closets. That meant she was really good at keeping secrets. Hannah’s room in the basement also had a door that needed to be shouldered in to close. Everyone in the house could hear it close when mummy said, “We need to talk to your sister alone,” after dinner.

However, Hannah never went into her room. She closed the door. And hid in the jacket closet. 

Papa always started the talk. “How was your day?”

“Fine.” Nath never spoke much.

“It was good.” Hannah thought her older sister was looking like a Hermit the way her spine was bent.

“What did you learn at school today?” Mum always asked about school.

“Mr. Gumball showed us how Earth and the Sun form a center of mass between them using the  _ x _ com derivational in Physics.” Nath’s voice seemed to barely whisper through his two front teeth. “We’re proving that the Earth doesn’t orbit the Sun. The Earth and the Sun orbit a centre of mass between them.” Papa got out of his chair. 

“Have you been studying angular velocity, too Lydia?”

“Yes, mum.” Hannah heard the tap flip on before a glass of water was placed under it.

“Did you review inertia and dry friction, too?”

“Well, I did the questions, didn’t I?” 

Mum’s eyes flared open like a snake eyeing a mouse. “I was checking question 6 a) to d) and you’ve made calculations errors, Lydia. You know the concepts. But if you write ten instead of ten thousand you’ve made a sloppy mistake. A doctor could kill someone with that mistake.”

“Thanks dad.” Papa slid the glass of water to Lydia. “I know, mum.”

“Marilyn, stop stressing. Let her live a little. Kid’s in high school. She needs time for friends.”

“You want this right, Lydia? You don’t have to say yes? I’m doing this for you.” 

A flutter of fingers tapped the glass, piercing through the silence. “I know mum. I want this too.”

Every night when papa and mummy talked to Lydia, without fail, Nath left for the washroom. Sometimes Hannah would hear the sink turn on. Or maybe the shower. But the plunge of water from a flushed toilet was never heard and Hannah wondered what Nath was actually doing in the washroom.

But tonight Nath didn’t go into the washroom. He crossed into the entryway and wretched open the closet door, filtering in light and allowing Nath to pull Hannah out into the corridor. 

“Watch the hair!”

Lydia was walking up the stairs and paused at the exclamation. Her nose scrunched at Nath before continuing. Nath, who’s hand cupped Hannah’s mouth, glared back.  _ Why were they walking closer to the kitchen? _

“James, she’s not trying hard enough.”

“But you have.” Mummy looked about to cry.

“I couldn’t get into medical school.”

“Grades aren’t the only thing they look for, Marilyn. Look at Nath. He’s well-liked by his peers and teachers. I’m sure any school would be lucky to admit him.”

“Lydia’s not you! She’s smart but she’s also popular. Something your son has never lived up to.”

“I was just surprised he knew about that derivation. I always go to parent-interview meetings. I know how well he’s doing.”

“And her success will outlive us all. Lydia will be bounds ahead of Nath come a couple of years. You don’t know enough about Lydia that’s why you cling to Nath. But I’ve cared for all of our kids where you never have.”

Papa grabbed mummy’s wrists as she tried to punch him in the stomach. Nath’s hand slid up to Hannah’s eyes as the argument’s volume grew. Her brother was shaking as he tried to peer closer, the difficulty presenting itself while he tried to hold her waist back.

“I care about our kids. I don’t spend much time with them, but at least I don’t force them to be who they’re not.”

“I don’t force Lydia! We talk. I push so she can realize the potential she has.”

“And I see that potential, dear.” Hannah heard papa’s voice descend to a whisper. “But sometimes they need that freedom, too.”

“You failed with Nath, I’m not going to let you fail with my daughter.”

“You talk too much, dear. Everyone’s happy right now.” Mummy went quiet at papa’s shushing. Hannah grew sleepy in Nath’s arms as papa sung an old show tune about a funny valentine.

Hannah couldn’t feel Nath against her back. Looking up, Papa had let go of mummy, too.

Eyes down, steps even, and shoulders pinched back like the tight-rope walkers they’d watched at the circus last year, Nath exited the front door, only for a car engine to roar to life a second later. Papa’s steps stopped before the door, before weighing into the wood as he went upstairs.

Oh, no. Mummy saw Hannah. 

“Bed. Now.”

Marilyn dragged Hannah through the dark basement, tension wringing her hands. Hannah didn’t understand. Mummy had looked so happy with papa. Mummy loved all of them. She made breakfast in the morning, she cleaned the house, and she was really good at doing math. Mummy was always there to pick Hannah up from school unlike Micheal Wolf’s mummy, who was always working. Why was Nath mad? Mummy did everything for them.

“I love you mummy.”

The blanket hovered above Hannah’s collarbone where a necklace reflected the room’s moonlight. Marilyn dropped the fabric on top of her youngest daughter. The moonlight cut Marilyn’s face in half, highlighting red eyes that stared above Hannah’s head at the poster of Simon and Garfunkel.

“Mummy?”

“Nothing, hun. I love you too.”

* * *

Milk, cereal, eggs, fruit. Hannah eyed the assortment and wedged out a slice of bread. Her mum was busy preparing notes with Lydia, so she took the uncooked toast between her teeth and settled by the Christmas tree. Icicles hanging over the front porch reflected colourful lights out towards the street and Hannah could just make out someone singing, “Mary, did you know?” 

“I think she’ll really like it. As soon as I saw it, I thought of her.” Papa was showing mummy a jewelry box that would be perfect for storing Hannah’s collection and  _ oh she probably wasn’t supposed to have seen that _ . At least Hannah could sneak under the Christmas tree early and take it to her room. She couldn’t wait to have something for all her treasures.

A car engine cut through their conversation. The path of lights lit up the corridor as Nath opened the door to reveal their neighbour in a half-zipped sweater. Hannah dropped her toast because  _ wasn’t Jack freezing? _ And between grabbing her toast and debating whether to speak up, Jack’s car rolled out the driveway and Hannah was left with a frozen Nath holding a letter.

“Aren’t you going to open it?” Hannah asked to Nath.

Her brother eyes startled opening, before he flipped on the light to read it. “Who was it?” Papa asked as he rounded the corner.

Nath’s hands looked about ready to rip it in half, but he flipped open the envelope. “A letter.” His eyes bulged. “From Harvard.” Hannah tip-toed across to Nath’s couch. He looked like he needed a hug.

“I got in.” This was so groovy.

Hannah imagined Nath at  _ Harvard _ . He’d have so many smart friends who he’d spend time studying with and she would call Nath and one of his friends would pickup and she would get to know Nath’s  _ inner circle.  _ Maybe they would teach her how to be a good friend?

“To Harvard?” Obviously, papa. Hannah wanted to jump up and give Nath a hug but he looked so shocked that she just let her legs swing freely on the couch.

“The letter got delivered to the Wolffs.”

“Not bad. Marilyn. Guess what?” Papa led mummy into the room and gave her a kiss on the cheek. 

Mummy’s smile stretched from ear to ear and kissed him. “Nath, really?” Nath radiated pride, blushing when mummy kissed him above his head. “My god, Class of 1981.” Mummy turned to papa and asked, “doesn’t that make you feel old, James?” Hannah was just waiting for Nath’s dopey eyes to stop looking around and read the letter. 

They looked at Hannah to give her a thumbs up, turning to her big sister to do the same. But instead of returning the thumbs up as Hannah had done, Lydia bit her lip nervously.  _ Why wasn’t she down here with them? _

“Mum, I’m failing physics. I’m supposed to let you know.” 

* * *

Papa tucked Hannah in that night. He’d told her that, “Mummy wasn’t feeling well.” Hannah had yelped at his tight squeeze on her shoulder. “Be good for her. She needs time.” Hannah heard the door pull tightly closed.

She tried to sleep, she really did. But between the bass of her mum bearing at every door, Nath passing through every floor, and Lydia’s pacing toes on the second story, Hannah’s brain was left pounding on her skull. 

The water rushed up the pipes behind Hannah’s head as she heard Nath’s footsteps slow at the bathroom. Lydia’s footsteps faltered too, like she’d tripped, before stopping in front of Nath’s. Their voices were distant, but recognizable through the air ducts.

“Look, I know you’re jealous, Nath. But don’t be. Do you know how hard it is to always be judged? I’m always tired. I’m always afraid mum will get mad. I’m always alone because everyone is jealous of me. I thought you’d support me”

The water turned off and,  _ finally _ , it was quiet. Time grew. Hannah heard the blood pool and pulse through her head. From between one second to the next, a door slammed closed and Nath spat toothpaste into the sink. It intoned and echoed through the air ducts. 

“Nath I—” Hannah had never heard that tone from her sister before. It was airy and quiet— God, she was pleading.

“Goodnight.” Lydia’s steps stumbled their way back to her room. And that, that just hurt. A lot. Because Lydia had braided her hair last year and told her that it was okay to not have friends, as long as you had family. Lydia taught Hannah that nobody cared about the popular people because the smart people are who they end up working for. Lydia deserved to be happy because she was Hannah’s big sister.

Hannah was going to tell Lydia how great she was.

The basement door was fully closed, so Hannah waited until Nath opened the bathroom door, timing her push carefully. Hannah hoped her parents were asleep.

“Marilyn, you’re being too harsh. She’s only in high school. Let her live.” Hannah froze, intrigued, but unsure what to do.

“I’ve spent all this time with her. Taught her everything I know. If she doesn’t pass, I don’t know what type of students could pass.” Mum stood up. “She’s going to be better than all of us. I’ve tried to much for her to fail now. She won’t become a drop-out whose only job is to cook and mine the babes. My baby will become a doctor! Don’t try to ignore it!”

“Calm down.”

“No, I will not calm down. We have to rely on a man to pay for our expenses, take care of our needs, teach us everything. I will not sit here and let my daughter fall into that life. You’ve forced me to cook and clean and take care of the kids. But where are you? You’re never here. You don’t care about me or the kids or anyone.”

“Hey, that’s not fair. I’m here. You never notice because you’re always busy with Lydia.” Papa’s voice faltered and Hannah thought they’d spotted her creeping up the stairs. “Marilyn, Lydia isn’t your daughter, she’s ours.”

“You barely know her!”

“And I should be here more. I’m sorry I’m not. I know I’m not the best father and I’m sorry I haven’t always been there for you. I should try harder. But for me to be a better parent we need to work as a team.”

“Do you think I’m a fool? You don’t mean that. You’ll just keep hiding at that university, asking the admin for a promotion, and promising,” and here’s mummy’s voice became high-pitched— mocking. “ _ I _ ’ll get the promotion. They just need to like me.” Hannah sat at the top of the stairs. She’d never heard mummy and papa so mad. “They’ll never promote you, James.”

“What’s your excuse? At least I’m trying. You spend all of these hours dreaming, but all you’ve done is force our daughter to bare the burden.”

“At least I care!” 

“She’s failing, Marilyn. You need to stop trying to make her into you. She’s not like me or you. She’s Lydia.” Mummy was quiet, allowing papa to walk out. “I love you, Marilyn.”

Mummy hummed a high-pitched sound that dipped lower. Hannah didn’t know the meaning, but papa’s unusual twitching showed that it wasn’t good. “Fine. Be that way.” In the next minute Hannah heard the door close and the car rolled away. 

The sound of moving chairs and running water cut through the atmosphere. Bristles moved from the backdoor, under the table, across from the sink, and towards the kitchen’s entrance. There was a long pause before the bristle strokes changed to sharp short ones.

“Men. They’ll never understand us.” Hannah heard mummy grunt slightly before dishes clattered into the filling sink. “I thought he was different but I suppose when you’ve met one man, you’ve met them all.”

Hannah didn’t understand. Papa loved mummy. He said it everyday. Wasn’t that enough?

“They don’t understand a woman’s needs. They only care about how much money they have, the friends they have, and how right they are. They never care about us.” And Hannah didn’t want to sit there in listen. Because Mummy sounded bitter and lonely, like Hannah did whenever she had to tuck herself in. But Hannah couldn’t hug to mummy, she was supposed to be asleep. 

There was someone who’d want Hannah tonight, though.

She crept outside Lydia’s door, hand gripping the handle. Hannah was going to tell her how amazing Lydia was. And how she didn’t care that Lydia was failing physics and how Nath still cared about her even though he was being a bully. But Hannah’s grip loosened it upon hearing a sniffle on the other side. Lydia was crying. 

What was Hannah doing? She couldn’t help her sister. Lydia was the strong one. She was always the smart one. Hannah wasn’t brave— she was dumb and unnoticeable. What could she say that Lydia didn’t already know?  _ Nath is jealous that nobody notices his achievements _ . But Lydia already knew that.

Hannah stole Lydia’s necklace. Hannah was always  _ bothering _ Lydia. Hannah was eleven-years-old. 

She didn’t know what physics was or know why it was important or understand why everyone cared so much. Hannah was useless. Praying was the only thing she’d hope would help.

So on the loneliest night of Lydia’s life, her parents disappointed and brother angry, she prayed for someone to comfort her. She cried until her voice ran hoarse but nobody came. And she thought that her prayers went unanswered.

If only she’d known about the sister who’d heard her prayers and prayed back to God for her. Maybe if, in a time of feeling forgotten by the only person who understood her, Lydia had looked for other forgotten ones like her. Lydia wanted forgiveness and acceptance from someone, but she was looking in the wrong place.

If only she’d known that there was someone who loved her with and without her flaws.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you've enjoyed reading this. I had to read Everything I Never Told You for English class and decided to write a fanfiction as my final project (because . . . why not). I would love any advice on improving my writing. The fanfiction I'll recommend this week is from another small fandom: Penryn & the End of the Days (Angelfall)
> 
> After by s0thathappened: https://www.archiveofourown.org/works/4540173?view_adult=true


End file.
